A Tofurky Day Proclamation
by nate carr
"All across America, we gather this week with the people we love to give thanks to God for the blessings in our lives. We are grateful for our freedom, grateful for our families and friends, and grateful for the many gifts of America. On Thanksgiving Day, we acknowledge that all of these things, and life itself, come from the Almighty God."[1] -- george bush
The preceding paragraph may describe some Americans, but it certainly does not describe everyone. Since bush has decided to systematically discriminate against a significant percentage of the people he represents, this author will address the nation with his own Tofurky Day Proclamation:
All across America, we decadent Americans gather this week to give thanks to our invented gods for our frivolous luxuries that we desperately hoard.
Almost four centuries ago, the Pilgrims celebrated a harvest feast to give thanks to some of the Wampanoag people for savagely saving their pathetically ill-prepared klan from slowly dying of starvation. Many of the Wampanoag people joined in the feast and gave thanks to the Europeans for innocently infesting their children with a bevy of fantastic pathogens originally incubated within the disease cesspools commonly referred to as European cities.
Thanksgiving is also a time for some of the richest citizens on the planet to spread their wealth to their rich brethren to help the richest society in the world remain on top of the economic food chain. With generous food handouts from these ignorantly misguided Americans, overweight adults across the country can one day hope to become morbidly obese and receive the stomach stapling operation that they will eventually want (good thing it's covered by insurance). On Thanksgiving, it is remembered that the true strength of America lies in the food subsidies to American farmers, without which the American agricultural industry would cease to exist. Also, by branding the term less fortunate, miley cyrus and other spoiled, rich, bratty Americans can take pity on their poorer, but still privileged American counterparts and continuously shove unnecessary food handouts down their throats even though they are actually making the world a worse place to live.
This Thanksgiving, Americans give thanks to members of the armed forces who are busy securing America's overextended empire. These functionally illiterate mercenaries are tirelessly disgracing America by allowing themselves to be duped into a cold holy war. Americans thoughout the 50 states incessantly pander to these hired thugs because we know that without the irrational gung-ho ignorance of America's armed forces, it might be us coming home in body bags; or worse, the problem might actually have to be solved without blowing up someone else's children, which is unthinkable because common sense tells us that blowing up children is the only way to bring opium and pornography...I mean freedom and liberty to a cowardly people.
The lessons of November 29th will always be with us.
Gorging oneself with dead animal is a time honored tradition that keeps families together. If our invented gods didn't want us eating turkey on Thanksgiving, it wouldn't be called Turkey Day.
The early consumer gets the discount. Staying home on Friday is economic blasphemy. The patriotic consumer must get up at 3 a.m. to get in line for the best Black Friday deals. It doesn't matter whether the purchased item is useful as long as it's cheap and made in a sweat shop.
On this Thanksgiving, the invented gods of the world have once again established that American decadence is more important than the suffering, dying children of the world. Anybody who questions this statement is a terrorist who hates freedom.
May my invented gods continue to bless our superior American kids while non-American kids continuously die miserable, malnourished deaths.